Sword of Damocles

Two days ago I went to the Breast Clinic at King's to have a lump in my right breast checked out.  I'd noticed it after having mastitis a couple weeks ago.  I hoped it was a blocked milk duct but it wasn't shifting, and the GP confirmed that I should get it checked out, especially since Tata Catherine has had breast cancer (Ductal Carcinoma In Situ).  I wasn't overly worried because the breastfeeding provided a perfectly likely explanation for the lump, but I did let myself imagine, what if?

The truth is, I've always had a slightly morbid obsession with and fear of cancer, ever since my friend Eric died of it when we were 18 years old.  Fred's cousin's wife also died of cancer, leaving behind four kids, including a baby.  I sometimes torture myself imagining what she must have felt lying in her hospital bed, knowing the pain she would cause her precious family, knowing that she wouldn't get to share their future...  Simply unbearable.

Apart from feeling absolute despair over leaving the children behind at such a tender age, I wondered what my biggest regrets would be.  I came to the conclusion that there wouldn't be many.  How wonderful to pause at 37 years old and realise that I am living the life I want to be living!  On closer scrutiny I'm sure there'd be plenty to say about how much time I spend on my smartphone, how neurotic I can be about keeping the house tidy and how much I overplan and overorganise our lives, but all the big things - my marriage, my children, my father, brother, aunt, my friends, my home - are as they should be.

My job is a trickier one.  From a distance it is the ideal job:  interesting, rewarding, flexible and relatively well-paid.  I feel immensely grateful that I stumbled into this line of work aged 22.  But if I'm honest, I struggle on a day-to-day basis with the stress of managing both work and family life.  I am thoroughly enjoying being much more relaxed whilst on maternity leave, and I don't find myself missing work at all.  I often wonder if I would feel more fulfilled if I became a teacher, but I worry about the loss of pay and status.

Apart from the question mark over my job, I came to the conclusion that I needed to reintroduce two things in my life to ensure that I have no regrets when my time comes:  annual trips to a warm sea, and a bit more live music, gigs and dancing with Fred - we've been rather remiss about our regular Friday date night since Audrey was born.

Over 1 in 3 of us in the UK will have cancer at some point in their lives, so it really is a sword of Damocles over all our heads.  In my case, thankfully, an ultrasound confirmed that the lump in my breast was merely glandular tissue.  I can breathe a sigh of relief, look forward to a beach holiday in Mauritius at Easter, and challenge Fred to line up a few gigs for us.